JohnJones

🐱 John Jones: The Fattest White Cat in Wales (and the CEO of Chaos)

Let’s talk about a cat. Not just any cat.
Not your average purring lap blob.

No, dear sponsors, we are talking about John Jones:
The fattest white cat in Wales.
The menace of the office.
The Dreamie-obsessed, thumb-biting, man-loving legend.
 

🐾 From London Streets to Welsh Royalty

John Jones came to us last year, all the way from London. He was adopted like a misunderstood celebrity—mysterious past, no questions asked.

He arrived slightly annoyed, extremely round, and with the aura of a retired rockstar forced to do a local radio interview.

He immediately made himself at home in the farm office, where he now lives full-time as our resident feline landlord. Rent? He pays in cat hair and passive aggression.
 

🐾 The Great Thumb Incident of 2023

Let’s not tiptoe around it. Within two weeks of his arrival, John made a statement. A very sharp, toothy statement.

He bit Heles thumb tendon clean off, sending her to A&E and earning himself the title of "HR Violation in a Fur Coat."

Heles thumb was in a cast for six weeks, and to this day, he still looks at her like she owes him something.

The wild part? He gets fed, cleaned up after, cuddled, adored, and all he gives back is sass. And possibly trauma.
 

🐾 He Prefers the Gentlemen, Thanks

John is a cat of particular tastes. He adores men. The second a male visitor walks into the office, John transforms into a needy, flirtatious marshmallow.

Purring. Rolling. Eyelash batting. We’re talking full-blown “Netflix and knead the blanket” energy.

But Hele? The woman who feeds him, wipes his face, and sacrifices her digits? Nah. At best, he tolerates her. At worst, he plots.
 

🐾 Life in the Office

When he’s not sleeping dramatically across the keyboard or sitting directly in the printer tray, John enjoys:

• Lying in exactly the spot Heles needs to walk through

• Screaming for Dreamies like a tiny, fluffy siren

• Judging everyone from the window sill

• Napping on invoices, tax forms, and anything mildly important
   

We have fully accepted that John Jones runs the office, and we are merely his humble staff.
 

💸 How Your Sponsorship Helps

Let’s be real—John’s lifestyle isn’t low maintenance.

Your monthly donations help cover:

• His gourmet diet (which he claims is still too small)

• Regular vet visits (he’s a king, but also allergic to responsibility)

• A seemingly endless supply of Dreamies

• Flea treatments, soft blankets, treats, and psychological counselling for Heles (joking… kind of)
   

Sponsors like you keep this glorious, squishy tyrant living in the plush, pampered lifestyle to which he has become deeply, irrevocably accustomed.
 

🐾 Sponsor John Jones Today

Support Wales' fluffiest tyrant and ensure his reign continues—one Dreamie at a time.

You’ll receive occasional updates, photos, and a polite reminder that this is John’s world, we just work in it.

Help us by sponsoring John Jones—just don’t offer him your thumb.